


It's Just a Jump to the Left

by musicmillennia



Series: Unconventional Conventionalists [1]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), Rocky Horror Picture Show
Genre: Basically Frank-n-Furter Leonard Snart screws everyone on the ship, Carter Lives, Crack, Multi, Multiverse, Pre-Slash Coldwave, absolute crack, rocky horror picture show au, up to and including Leonard Snart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 13:50:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8374498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicmillennia/pseuds/musicmillennia
Summary: "Oh my. If I knew I'd be having such fascinating company, I would have at least put on my good heels."In which there's a little multiverse mix-up that yields...interesting results.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [prouvairablehulk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prouvairablehulk/gifts), [languageismymistress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/languageismymistress/gifts).



> Without the Royal Ward or the Bae, this would not have been possible. MWAH
> 
> Quickie: Carter's alive, Kendra's still on the fence about him. This is before 2046.
> 
> Oh, and btw, this is such crack. Such crack. I can't emphasize that enough.

One moment they're time jumping the fuck outta Dodge, and next thing anyone knows, the Waverider's jolting from side to side like a broken swingset.

"What's happening?" Sara shouts.

"Gideon!" Rip cries.

"I'm afraid our acceleration rate has briefly collided us with another timeline, Captain," Gideon reports, "stabilizing now."

Everyone grunts and groans their way to their feet as Gideon stops their flight through the time stream and soars into steady open sky.

"Are we in our own universe?" Rip demands.

"Yes, Captain. But I would advise against taking another jump until we have solved the problem."

"What problem?" Ray asks.

To which a voice response, "Oh  _my_."

Sara chokes on her own spit.

Leaning in the doorway, both arms above his head and hip cocked, is none other than Leonard Snart in a short silk robe and gleaming white teeth. And  _heels_. Sleek black stiletto heels.

"If I knew I'd be having such  _fascinating_ company," he says, "I would have at least put on my good shoes."

Gideon helpfully responds, " _That_ problem, Captain."

"Well, I suppose multidimensional travelers can't be choosers," this new Leonard Snart sighs. "At least I have a spare."

Ray swallows. "A spare what?"

"Tube."

The crew stiffens.

Snart chuckles, low and suggestive. He reaches into his pocket and takes out—"A tube of  _lipstick_ , you vagabonds. Aren't you a jumpy bunch?"

Mick's brain finally jumpstarts. "What the  _fuck_?"

Snart's gaze lolls to him...and widens.

"Oh," he breathes, "I really have jumped universes, haven't I?"

"Yeah," Jax says, "and you seem pretty laid back about it."

Keeping his eyes on Mick, Snart answers, "I can't very well deny it, can I?" a bright, filthy grin curls his lips. "I might as well have some  _fun_."

He struts to Mick slowly, hips swaying side to side. (The Captain Cold of the Waverider's universe has yet to say a word. Actually, it looks like he's going into shock. Somebody ought to help him.) Once he reaches him, he puts his hand in his robe's other pocket.

"Hold this for me, won't you?" he simpers, holding up a small compact mirror.

Mick numbly takes it. Peering at him through his thick lashes, Snart leans forward and puckers his lips.

With swift movements, he applies the deliciously red lipstick and takes the compact back.

" _Thank_ you," he says.

Then he drops his robe.

The crew cries out. Rip smacks a hand over his mouth.

Leonard Snart is in a black corset and garters, hand still on his cocked hip. His other hand traces up and down Mick's chest.

Mick can't stop staring at his...legs.

"What a fine specimen," Snart purrs. "What's your name?"

Mick opens his mouth. Nothing comes out.

Finally, Cold speaks up. "His name's Mick. Who are  _you_?"

Snart's smirk takes on a manic gleam. "Why hello, handsome. Don't look so upset; it's terrible for our faces."

Cold's eyes narrow. "Can't imagine a universe where I can walk in heels."

"You just have to try," Snart looks back at Mick, giving him a once-over, " _harder_."

Mick opens his mouth again. A strained gurgling noise comes out.

"As for myself," Snart continues, "I'm just a sweetheart from Transsexual, Transylvania."

And Rip asks, "The galaxy or the country?"

"The  _what_?" Kendra squawks.

"Oo, a spaceman," Snart says. He retreats, leaving Mick cold. "And what a lovely beard. Tell me, would these lips look better if I said it was the..." his tongue peeks out, "ga-lax-y?"

Mick croaks. Sara gulps. Ray and Carter have the horror/amazed expression of men having a sexual crisis. And at this point, Jax has opted to cover his eyes and Stein twirls his wedding ring on his finger.

Cold stares at his counterpart. Very, very intently.

As for Rip, he tugs a bit at his lapel and clears his throat. "Yes, well. It would be. Interesting, you see, if you were from the...the..."

"Ga-lax-y?"

" _Yes_ ," Rip squeaks. He clears his throat again. "Yes. That. For, you see, our Leonard Snart was born on Earth."

"You lucky duck," Snart says, "if you've met someone like  _that_ on your planet." He nods to Mick.

Mick licks his lips. Snart winks, and he wheezes.

"Gideon!" the word punches out of Rip's chest. "Can we get our guest home?"

"Yes, Captain," Gideon says, "however, it will take ample time to charge the time drive for such a jump. We will not be able to fly for twenty-four hours.

Snart's manic gleam returns. "A whole day with new people and myself. How will we pass the time?"

 

"So your counterpart is..." Stein pauses.

Cold glares at him. "Clearly he's made his own choices. He's got balls; I respect that."

"Oh, darling me," a voice purrs in the empty doorway, "you ain't seen nothin' yet."

Stein nearly hangs his head when he sees Cold's pupils dilate.

 

Kendra finds Snart later in the cargo bay, sighing at his compact mirror and poking at his face. The pout of his lips, bolded by the glossy red, is in itself so inherently different from the Leonard she knows that she takes a moment to collect herself before venturing in.

"Are you alright?" she asks.

Snart promptly drapes himself across a couple metal boxes. Like the original Leonard, but Kendra doubts Captain Cold poses like a pin-up girl when he lies down.

At least, not  _every_ time.

"It's just, the one time I meet people from another universe," he says, "and all I've got is lipstick and old heels! It's a tragedy! A travesty!"

Kendra purses her lips, trying not to smile. "Well, if it's makeup you're looking for, I bet Gideon could fabricate some? That's the name of our AI."

With a grinning Snart, she asks Gideon to make the makeup per Snart's incredibly specific descriptions, which he repeats quietly before Kendra says them as if he doesn't trust her to get them right. Which, in all fairness, "eyeliner as black as a winter's night and bolder than a flamingo dancer on a binge" isn't necessarily something Kendra can say without pausing to scrounge up a straight face halfway through.

"Kendra Saunders, you are wonderful," Snart proclaims. He snatches the makeup and her hand. "Come on! We have work to do."

That's how it started. Kendra's still not sure how it ended with her gasping into her pillow as Snart lavished her breasts with his tongue.

"I," she gasps, "I have a boyfriend. Kind of."

"Kind of?" Snart rumbles. "Is it that other beard? The one who looks like he could use a drink?"

" _Yes_ , yes, please—I mean, yes, yes he is."

Snart kisses her cheek, leaving a slather of red lipstick on the spot. "You poor thing," he says. "Don't worry. I'm only here for a day, after all."

In her ear, he whispers, "I won't tell if you won't."

Kendra keens. "Promise?"

"Cross my heart, sweetheart."

 

Kendra shuffles into Carter's room. "Carter...uh."

Carter's heart pounds as she slowly wraps her arms around him. He turns away from cleaning his weapons. "Kendra? What's this?"

"I should apologize," Kendra whispers.

"For what?" Carter says, stroking her hair, "there's nothing to— _you_!"

The wig tumbles from his fingers. Snart smirks up at him.

"I'm afraid so, Carter."

He surges to his full height to yank him into a kiss. His lips are smooth, wet, and warm, and...and wow. He is. He is  _very_ skilled. As a warrior, it's only right that Carter pay his respects to such. Such a tactical approach to things.

He pushes Snart away. "Wait, no! I love Kendra! Get out of here!"

Snart's already back, walking his fingers up Carter's chest. "But that'll just leave you to take care of your weaponry alone."

Carter shakes his head, winding his arms around Snart's trim waist. "No. I shouldn't. I can't!"

"Poor thing," Snart murmurs, tracing a finger along Carter's lower lip. "Don't worry. I'm only here for one day, after all."

In his ear, he whispers, "I won't tell if you won't."

Carter gulps.

"Not a  _word_ ," he hisses.

Snart grins. "Oh, cross my heart, sweetheart."

"And this changes nothing! I love Kendra with all my soul, and I always will."

"Mmmmm-hmmm."

"She is my heart, my...oh my...oh my  _fuck_..."

"Now you're getting it."

 

Sara puts down her bo staff as soon as Snart saunters in. "Lace looks good on you."

Snart brushes at his corset. "This old thing?"

"So does makeup. You should give your counterpart some tutorials." she smirks. "I wouldn't mind some myself."

Snart smirks back. "Would you?"

"Why not? Only got so much time. Gotta learn the important things while we can."

"Oh, yes we do. You know,  _Sara_ , I like you."

"You're not so bad yourself."

"Now let's not be too hasty..."

 

Sara Lance wobbles into his room later, hair wild and lipstick covering her face.

"If you are half as good as him," she slurs, "I want dibs."

Len can only stare as she walks back out.

 

"Captain," Gideon says, "it appears that the alternate Leonard Snart has been propositioning team members."

Rip groans. "Are they alright?"

"Yes, Captain. In fact, I would say that the three members who have been seduced are remarkably—"

"Tell me,  _Captain_ ," a voice says, "do you like to be called your title in the sheets as much as you do on the streets?"

Rip swallows.

"Shall I leave you to it, Captain?" Gideon asks.

"Gideon," Snart says, prowling towards Rip, "no need to put yourself out. There's room for," sitting himself on Rip's desk, " _all_ kinds of company here."

He spreads his legs enough that Rip can't stop staring at...them. Legs. His legs.

"Mr. Snart—"

"Oo, I like the sound of that. But it's actually Dr. Snart." Snart traces the laces of his corset. "I'm a scientist, you see."

Rip keeps staring at his. Legs. "What do you specialize in?" he chokes out.

"Many things. Biology, for example. That's a nice coat, Captain. Where'd you get it?"

"A...a friend gave it to me."

"Looks like a good friend." Snart pulls him in by the lapel. "May I try it on?"

He's batting his eyelashes and Rip is defenseless.

"Mm, comfy. But your shoulders look so bare now. Let me fix that."

Snart settles his legs around Rip's neck and puts him on his knees.

"Tell me, Gideon," Snart says, "do you have one of your circuit boards in this lovely office?"

"I do, Dr. Snart."

Snart grins at Rip's flushed face. "Show me."

 

For a solid two minutes, the Waverider's lights flicker violently before blazing hot enough to cook an egg.

"Gideon?" Ray cries, "Are you okay?"

The lights dim back to normal.

"Yes, Dr. Palmer. I am very well."

Ray's eyebrows furrow. "Are you sure? You sound...out of breath. Which, considering you're an AI, is kinda strange."

"Don't worry,  _doctor_. Gideon's just fine."

Snart caresses the walls on his way into the lab.

"Will that be all?" Gideon asks. Her voice is pitched lower than usual.

Snart blows a kiss to the ceiling. The lights shudder again.

Ray takes a step towards him. "What did you do?"

"Who, me? I just gave the good girl a chance to let off some steam. Works wonders, you know."

"Oh. Are you a mechanic?"

"Scientist."

"Really? Me too! Wow, I can't picture Snart as a scientist. Or wearing..." Ray gestures to Snart.

"Yes, he doesn't know his own potential," Snart sighs. "So what's your story, Ray Palmer? You're a scientist. A very smart one, given that nifty suit you've got there. And so very cute, I could just eat you up."

The last comes out in a rumble. Ray feels his cheek heat.

"Well, I-I try to work as hard as I can," he says.

"I can see that."

Snart is not looking at his face. He smirks as Ray tries to subtly clasp his hands and fails.

"Do you want to know what's fun about being an alien, Dr. Palmer?"

Hearing his official title finally addressed out loud oozes down to Ray's toes. "What?"

Snart chuckles. "I'm not going to  _tell_ you, silly man. Better if I show you."

"Oh.  _Oh_! Oh, I—I couldn't, I—" Ray grunts as his ass hits the chair.

"Why not?" Snart asks.

"Well...I mean, we barely know each other, and—and you're from a different universe..."

"Ah, you're a commitment type. So sweet. So hard to find."

Snart's fingers curl in Ray's hair. Ray shivers.

"I've only ever tried this a few times," he blurts.

But Snart only grins. "Then let's see what we have here..."

He kneels down. Ray bites his lip and asks, "Do you really think we should be doing this? I mean, it's so sudden, and something might be wrong with Gideon, and this is such a public place and— _oh_...oh wow, oh, um."

Snart laughs. He leaves the spot behind Ray's ear cherry red. "Like I said."

Ray can't look him in the eye when all's...revealed. Snart's breath catches.

" _Doctor Palmer_ ," he says, low and guttural, "who do I have to thank for this experience?"

Ray's never seen Cold's face slackened in such awe before. He wishes he could say it was off-putting, but it really, really isn't.

"Uh. My parents?"

Snart moans. Ray was not prepared for this.

"You sweet boy. I'm going to  _enjoy_ this."

 

It's one thing to walk past yourself getting a blowjob from Rip Hunter while fingering a circuit board. It's another thing entirely to walk in on yourself riding  _Raymond Palmer_ in the middle of a laboratory floor.

Never mind how astoundingly huge Palmer's dick is (no, seriously, what the fuck). It's something you don't want to see.

Len stalks back to his room. Palmer's getting that same look in his eyes that Sara, Kendra,  _Carter_ , and Rip got. Including Gideon—because that dirty, dirty AI is getting included among these  _heathens_ —that makes six. Len can't be sure, but he can only hope Stein and Jax aren't gonna be hit too.

Mick, though.

 _Mick_.

Len storms to his gun and freezes the thought before it can start.

About ten minutes into another rebuild of his gun, Len hears heels click outside his door. His door, which opens without a word. Apparently all you need to do to get on Gideon's good side is fiddle with the right wires.

" _He_ llo, me."

"Up and at 'em already," Len drawls, "you wanna break a record?"

"Well how many times am I going to travel to another universe?" Snart asks, hands on his hips. "Besides, there are just so many good-looking specimens aboard."

"Specimens."

"I'm a scientist. Didn't you hear?"

"I've heard quite a few things in the last few hours."

"Oh, I'll be you have. Sneaking around, are you?"

"Sneaking's my thing."

Snart purrs. Len's hand clenches on the cold gun's firing pin.

"I'm a thief," Len bites out.

Snart slides closer. "And what do you like to steal?"

"Whatever I like."

"Oo. Good philosophy."

"I don't see myself as the philosophical type."

"Then we should trade places sometime. It's a wonderful view."

"No thanks. Couldn't walk in high heels."

"Have you ever tried?"

Silence.

Snart bites his red, red lips. "You know, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. If nothing else, it could be a great story."

"Fucking myself?" Len puts the firing pin back in and sets his gun aside. "Sounds like a pity party waiting to happen."

"Believe you me, of all the things that are waiting to happen, that isn't one of them."

"Lines like that always work for you?"

"Do they work for you?"

The two Leonards are within touching distance now. Len vaguely notices his legs have spread wide enough to accommodate someone. He doesn't close them.

"I'm just so curious," Snart says, "what do you like? Top? Bottom? Front? Behind? It's  _fascinating_."

Len tilts his head. He peers at Snart's smirk for a moment.

Then he smirks too and says, "I think you'll find I'm quite flexible."

Snart chuckles. "That, at least, we have in common."

Len's back hits the workbench. "Exhibitionist, are we?"

"Are you?"

"At this point? I don't think the word has meaning."

"Smart  _and_ pretty."

Len hums as Snart's hips grind against his in slow circles. "Gotta say," he says, "I'm a bit curious myself."

Snart hovers over his lips. "Then let's find out together."

That's around when Mick walks in: one Leonard in a corset and garters grinding against another Leonard and swirling his tongue around until Mick's partner is genuinely blushing.

He opens his mouth. The dying man's last cry distracts both Snarts into looking his way.

Snart grins deviously. Hold Mick's eyes, he gives a full-body thrust. Len's eyes drift shut, mouth falling open on a soft moan.

"Curious?" Snart asks.

Suffering, Mick wants to say. He utters a faint "guh" instead.

Len reopens his eyes. "He can stay," he murmurs.

Snart's lipstick glistens. "Hear that, Mick? You can stay."

Oh, Mick is gonna stay. He's pretty sure he has no choice at this point, if only because his legs no longer work.

"Could I tell you about Dr. Palmer's penis?" Snart asks.

Len groans. "Don't ruin the mood."

Snart pouts. "Fine. So long as Mick does something other than sit there. It's so sad from over here."

Mick fumbles with his belt.

" _Much_ better."

 

"We will be brushing into your universe  _just_ long enough to put you back where we found you," Rip says.

"Where's your robe?" Jax asks.

Snart throws a grin over his shoulder. "I gave it to Sara for safe-keeping. You never know. I might be back."

Sara winks.

"Oh joy," Stein mutters.

The jump rattles them as bad as the first time.

Gideon says, "We have arrived, Captain."

"Is it in the right location?" Ray asks.

"Oh don't worry about me," Snart says, "I'm a rich scientist. I can call people."

"Leonard Snart, rich scientist," Sara says, "who'd'a thought?"

Snart's form flickers.

"I think that's my cue," the man says. "Goodbye. It's been  _very_ fun to meet you all. Goodbye, Gideon."

"Goodbye, Dr. Snart," Gideon sighs.

"And Mick. Thank you."

Mick blinks. "For what?"

Snart tilts his head. His voice is fading, but Mick can just make out his words: "For the inspiration."

And he's gone.

A few rattles later, the Waverider is safely back in the temporal zone.

Len turns to Jax and Stein and says, "Tell me he didn't do anything to you— _oh thank God_."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not too confident with writing sex scenes, but I hope I did okay.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [It's Just a Jump to the Left [ART]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13550061) by [bloodinamug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodinamug/pseuds/bloodinamug)




End file.
